hey guys. its chip. today im not feeling so good. i feel stressed and unloved and unworthy. its probably just a moodswing, but it still hurts. my ice skating coach told my grandma (who i love) that im getting taller and my skin is getting tighter and im getting skinner. my dad isnt getting me enough nutrients. i shouldnt ask for that im still a kid. it feels so worthless even when i ask. he does it once and never does ir again. he also thinks its all about him. it sucks. i hate everything.
roe v wade has been overturned, the government is crashing, and everything is getting worse. ive heard they are going to ban same sex marriage too. i dont know what to do. i am terrified.
my life is hell. i want to run away. it doesnt make any sense. i wanted it to be normal. i wanted to be normal. i thought after mom left, it would be ok. i feel suicidal. i want it to end. i want to go. i want to run. i want to live with my grandma.
im having suicidal thoughts. extreme suicidal thoughts. i dont want to do it but i also do? i want to kill my dad as well. he sucks and i hate him. he only cares about himself while i rot.
i cant wait to fucking die. i cant wait. it will all be over then and it will be empty. you guys are the inky ones who care. i sm so done withm everything. i hate it. i hate everything and myself. i want to die.
i was just given a phone, im terrified. i am afraid im gonna see bad stuff again and talk to bad people. i am happy but terrifed.
i hate holding grudges. i hate that i was in A CULT. i hate it. i hate it. he ruined me and made me hate him but i love him. mortis i hate you. diceorg should burn. ugh. im sorry. its stupid. i shouldnt feel like this i just wanna hide. please. please. i want to see you become better because for some reason i sympathize with you mortis. why? why do i this? will it be okay?
we have to put my dog down we have to put him down he is dying what yhe fuck why is everything bsd happening i canr fucking deal with this shit anymore why does this keep happening to me why wjy why why why what is gojng on i hate myself i hate this i hate my life i wanna die i hate this i hayw it i haye it i hate it i haye ot i haye it please dont die xoren please i love you your the best puppy a kid could ever ask for please dont doe please
uou all probably know about what happened today with roxelle, right? well that whole thing triggered alot. i really just want to help everyone. i feel bad. i couldnt help them. i feel like im supposed to. what is wrong with me? why do i keep allowing groomers the benefit of the doubt? but they werent a groomer. god i hate it. this all sucks ya know? i just wanted to help everyone and make it better. god help me.
i couldnt help them i couldnt help them i couldnt help them i couldnt help them i couldnt help them i couldnth help them i couldnt help them i coundlt help them i coudlnt help them i coudlnt help them i couldnt help them i coudlnt helpthem i courlnt help them uncoudnlt ihelp them i coudlnt help them ichdould nitjelpthemicouldnthelpthemichoudlnthelpthemicouldnthelpthem icouldnt helpthem icoudnthelo them incouldnt helo them k couldnt help them i couldnth help thrmifouldnthelothemicoundltnhelothemicoudknthelothemicouldnthelpthemicoudlnthepthemicouldnthepthemkicoudlnthelpthem
dear god, im a terrible person. i shouldnt have gotten so mad. im such an idiot. i told someone bad things i hate myself for it. i apologized tho. luckily. they forgave me, but i still feel bad. i got banned for 1 day because of it. dear god i hate myself. i hate everything i did. i hate it. im not safe here. im not safe online. someone help me please.
ok, i know this isnt really a vent post, but i kinda wanted to talk about it. you know the song its over isnt it that pearl sings? well, ive kinda taken a part and put my trama on it, here it is:
"war and glory, reinvention
fusion, freedom, her attention
out in daylight, my potential
bold, precise, experimental
who am i now in this world without her?
petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her
what does it matter, its already done
now ive got to take care of her son"
so, basically, this is what happened to me while i was groomed. "war and glory" could be seen as the abuse i went through and me finding my groomer as the "glory". "out in daylight my potiental" is also a lot like how i felt they made me feel complete and loved. "petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her" for me is about feeling like you still love your groomer, but also hate them. "what does it matter, its already done" is how i cant let go of them. finally, "now ive go take care of her son" for me is the trauma. the trauma has stayed apart of me and i had to get help for it and take care of the burden because of them.
i want so much attention, i want it so bad. i want everyone to love me. i want everyone to care about me because i feel so worthless i have to make it up with other people. but i feel like i deserve to be hated. i want to rip my skin off again. this is the like billinth time ive thought of doing it haha. why am i like this? why do i want to rip my genetilia off? why do i wanna dissapear. why? am i a girl or a boy? why didnt he actually love me? why? just why. my whole life is a giant question covered in a never melting ice known as depression. i want to destroy whats left of me so no one can deal with me anymore.
heres a little song i wrote:
my hearts pounding,
i can hear the yelling,
its pretty of tune sounding!
oh wont you see,
oh-oh-oh,
i was never good enough for you, and never good enough for me.
im sorry i didnt mean to cause the drama. i wanted everything to be okay and normal and fine but.... its not i didnt mean to. i was just scared, i wont do it again i promise im sorry i didnt mean it
my grandma is back, but shes still mad. god its so hard. everything is so hard and for what? just to spite me? i wanted to make her happy. thats all i wanted. thats all i wanted to do. but nope, here we are. it all sucks. i hate my life.
i wish i was dead.
i wish i never made a neocities site.
i caused so much here. i shouldnt exist online anywhere.
i want to hurt people. i want to hurt my dad.
why didnt i just shut up? why didnt i just take it? i need to stop and just not be online. its all my fault this happened. now dreamie hates me and probably has blocked me. now no one likes me. no one does. i cant wait to die in a ditch where i belong.
i wish i was good enough for everyone. i feel like i have to be everyones friend or ill be hated. i have to help everyone or no one will like me. if i only i could. if only everyone liked me.
i fucking hate the state of neocities right now. all my "friends" weren't my friends and were LIARS!!!!!! only a few weren't. the ones who lie will pay. they'll all pay. i want to hurt them. i want to kill them. i want to end the sadness they bring. ill hurt everyone who opposes these ideas.
what the hell have i gotten myself into.
i am not even safe here now ig. god damn it. the only place i felt like i was safe in, ripped from my hands. its stupid. stupid. im stupid. why am i even here? im 12, for fucks sake. i should be happy, not having to go here for safety and comfort.
who am i? who am i supposed to be? what is wrong with me. why am i alive.
i want to feel loved. i want to make everyone happy. then ill be loved. then ill be everyones friend and all help them all out and theyll all love me. i want to feel the warmth of being loved. i want to be held. i want to be loved by someone. anyone. i want to be touched. i want to feel something. i havent brushed my teeth in days. i care so much about other people that i never think about myself. im slowly rotting away. im so empty. i dont want to feel this way. i feel like i constantly need love and attention and i dont know why. i hide in my room all the time. i feel terrible about myself. i want to feel like im worth something. anything. i want to be cared about. i want to be a good kid. i want to make you all smile so i can smile too. i try to smile. its always a lie. a masquerade. a fake. i'm a liar. i rarely feel really happy anymore. im so empty.
i just realized how toxic my old online friends were. they were manipulative, they sayed slurs, and they did so many bad things and i was just fine with that because i was so goddamn lonely and was vulnerable. i hate that i was friends with them. i wanted to make em all happy and for them to be friends. i thought they cared about me. maybe they did. idk. im so fucking angry about that, though. i just let it happen because i was lonely. i shouldve said something. ANYTHING. it was messed up.
i barely have any friends outside of the internet. i only have 4. most kids my age have a lot but im so scared to talk to anyone. i only feel cared about online. i spend most of my day on my computer because the outside world scares me and it terrifies me. it feels like i cant go anywhere without feeling panicked. it sucks. i hate that. but atleast i have friends here. people care about me here.
i feel enticed to do things i shouldn't do. i want to look at sites i shouldn't, and i want to go on places my dad doesn't allow me to go to (for example discord where i could talk to you all) but i know i shouldn't because then ill get in trouble. and i don't want to be a bad kid, but i keep wanting to. i want to break the rules for some reason. i don't know why. i keep finding myself almost going back to a certian neocities site (which i wont name because i dont wanna get into trouble) that the webmaster doesnt want me on. but luckily i am avoding it. i think i just check and check obsessively for some reason. it doesn't make sense, i hate drama, but i keep coming back to it. over and over and over again.
i almost hurt someone. i want to kill one of my classmates, but i wont. i cant. im a good kid, and i wont hurt him. but i want to hes caused me so much pain and no one will help i want him dead i want tot kill him i want him to stop i hate him so much oh my god whats wrong wtih me
i want to kill all pedophiles. all of them. the ones who dont hurt children are fine i guess but they should keep themselves away from kids. i want them dead. i want to cut of theirt intimate spaces and rip their organs out. i want to fucking kill them and see them beg for mercy as they scream for me to stop, but i wont because thats what they deserve. they didnt stop when they knew it was a child or when they were touching children, so why should i? i wont even get the blood on me, their blood is disgusting pedo shit. i want to rip them open with a chainsaw. i want them to feel the pain i feel, the things they made me feel, the way i can't even look at myself without clothes without feeling digusted. ill fucking kill pedos. maybe that makes me just as bad as them, but i dont think so. im doing the world a favor. i would be making people happy, so happy now that they cant hurt children. fucking pedo scum deserves to die, and ill make sure it happens. i want them to feel the pain of my chainsaw ripping through their throats. i want to hear them say "sorry" but its useless now. theres no sorry for this shit, pedo scum.
mimi hates me. she called me the name of my mom. she yelled at me, she got upset at me and told me that my attidued was like my moms. she told me that i was pushing her away. why cant she understand this is whats best for me? my therapist said so. shes was trying to guilt me into staying with her. i love mimi but this isnt good. im staying at my dads now i guess. mimi doesnt even want to see me. i am not my mom. i will never be my mom. it was supposed to be a fun day with mimi and pop and strawberry picking but noooo she had to make it terrible she had to she had to. why doesnt she get it? she called me the name of my abuser basically. im sorry i cursed at you mimi but you cant do that. you cant just say "i have nothing left" after i get a bit upset for you judging my teeth and chapped lips. i cant control that stuff. i didnt mean to "shoot a dirty look" at you. i was just upset but NOOO ITS ALL ABOUT YOU AND IM ALWAYS IN THE WRONG LIKE USUAL. ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT ISNT IT?
i want my mom back.
i cant do this anymore why cant i make everyone happy
i relapsed. i self harmed again. i'll get better though. I always will. I thrive and I survive. I can do this. I can be better. I've thrived before and I will thrive again. I am not a bad person. I won't be like my mom. I can do this.